Mom's on the phone

"Just call them."
My husband has uttered these words to me often and I sometimes I just want to smack him for it. I think better of that of course because he doesn't know what it's like making a phone call with 6 kids in the house. Sure, he might call his Mom while the kids are in the room playing or getting ready for bed and he may go into another room and shut the door for more important conversations, but I am there to handle the kids. I am there to keep them quiet or to make sure that no one gets the ketchup off the counter and goes on a hand-painting spree. No, normally he makes phone calls while in his office, where if someone needs him they knock on his door, an upon seeing him on the phone wait patiently the way respectful people do. He makes calls while in his truck where he can use the bluetooth speakerphone feature without worry of a blood curdling scream emanating from the 3 year old when someone touches her car seat. No, I can't be mad at him because he doesn't understand.
But you do right?
The stress of trying to make a call to set up an appointment or ask a billing question. The worry that as soon as I dial my kids will know that they can get away with just about anything. The phone goes to my ear and they are getting food without permission because I can't run the risk of a meltdown while on the line with the phone company trying to figure out why they are charging me over $100 a month for shitty internet and a home phone I never use (except to call my cellphone when I can't find it).
And when my out of state brother calls to chat about his new baby, they decide that I am  the most interesting person ever and they HAVE to talk to me right now about their poop or how mean their brother is being to them. They choose that moment to argue over who gets to play Minecraft next. I swear the kids will be happily playing or watching TV until I get a call or pick up the phone to make one. Once that happens it's like throwing chum in shark infested water.
Oh, I could lock myself in a room somewhere, but then one of two things will happen; either someone will get into something they shouldn't (scissors, wine, candy, chalk) or it will turn in to a scene from The Walking Dead and the horde of children will be at the door, banging, screaming and thrusting their fingers under the door and I'll wonder what it sounds like to the person on the other end of the call.
Moments like that make me deeply appreciate the internet and specifically the customer support chat feature. If a company offers me a choice between talking on the phone and setting off my kids Mom's-on-the-phone radar or typing back and forth with a representative, I will chose the later every time. No one can hear my kids arguing. No one can hear them practically coming though the locked office door. No one can hear a damn thing. So thank you companies who let me ask my questions over the internet, it means we don't have to pretend that you don't hear the chaos happening on my end and I don't have to worry about you going deaf.

*While writing this my husband called to let me know he was on his way home and two of my kids decided to argue about the X-Box controller. Proof that their radar still works.