Suicide

Suicide. Not a pleasant subject to discuss. In fact, most of the time when it comes up you can feel the air thicken and you just know that at least one person is listening intently to every opinion you have waiting to skewer you for having the wrong one.
My father attempted to end his life not that long ago.
He had been struggling privately with depression and stress. Work was not what he had wanted it to be. His financial situation was not great and despite the fact that my mother is a physician they were sinking in debt. I think that the biggest financial hit came from filing for bankruptcy.
Men like my father need to provide and provide well for their families. They hate having to pinch and save just to pay bills and Uncle Sam.
When I found out about his attempt he was in the ICU in a medically induced coma. I was scared that I would lose him and that my visit to the hospital would be my last chance to see him with a heartbeat.
I walked into his room and saw him lying there hooked up to endless machines helping him breathe, monitoring his heart rate....and my heart broke.
"What did I do that led to this?" I wondered.
There are two arguments that I have come across while researching suicide attempts and what may lead to them. One is that the person who made the attempt is 100% responsible and therefor extremely selfish. I agree and disagree. I agree that ultimately they are the ones who make the choice, but like a drunk person who gets in a car and hits someone, their choice is made long before the actual event. A drunk person chose not to get a Designated Driver or make alternate plans to get home and that led to the accident. They didn't CHOSE to hit and hurt/kill someone.
A suicidal person had a choice days, weeks, months or maybe even years before to talk to someone and get some help before they attempted to kill themselves. My father was in despair. He was lonely,afraid, stressed, depressed and felt that his loved ones would be better of without him around. It was not a selfish decision-at least not completely. There was probably an ounce of him that just wanted the pain and sadness and disappointment to end. All of those things combined let to the attempt. And of course his environment.
Which leads me to the second argument I found; that we (family and friends) can't do much about the choice a suicidal person makes. I again agree and disagree. Mental illness can heavily affect someones ability to listen to reason. If a person has chemical or hormonal issues and imbalances then a change in environment or situation might not be enough to stop the suicidal tendencies. Medication, treatment and therapy are very much needed. Where I disagree with how quick people are to shake off any culpability for their lived ones dire situation. I firmly believe that money is a big reason my Dad did what he did. Had they been more financially stable all the other problems he was juggling would not have overwhelmed him the way they did those months ago. I also believe that had his family been more aware and supportive, concerned and patient, that he might have sought their help more directly instead of trying to hide it or deal with it on his own.
How often do we truly observe our loved ones? How often do we take a moment from our own worries, fears and concerns to notice how some one else is struggling?
In today's "Me" society we tend to think mostly of ourselves and even when we take the time to hear a friend or family member open up about something, we usually are ready to barrage that person with our own list of tragedies instead of truly listening. It is true that most of the time we can't do much to help that person directly but you'd be surprised how far simply listening can go when a person feels alone and unimportant.
I have witnessed how our societies focus on "self" can drive someone into a situation where they feel that they are not needed, wanted or loved. I have seen how a person can take the suicide attempt of a loved one and make it about themselves. No matter where you stand on how culpable a person is for attempting to end their own life, you can probably see how making it all about you can be detrimental.
So in the days and weeks following his attempt I made a change in myself for his sake. I put aside time to call and text him just to see how he was holding up. I tried my best to really listen and be there for him when he sought my advice and I also tried to keep my mouth shut when it was obvious that he just needed me to listen. I also have learned that while I did not shove the pills down his throat I did not do a great job in letting him know that I was here for him nor was a paying close enough attention to notice that he was truly sinking to a new depth of depression. I may not be able to make grand gestures to let him know he is wanted and loved and even needed here in this life, but I hope and pray that the little things. The football games, the dinner invites the text messages featuring pictures of his 5 grandchildren playing and ending each phone call with "I love you Dad." will hopefully do something to ease his pain just enough that he will seek help next time he feels tempted to leave this world for the next.