Loss

Springtime is usually the time where we bask in the beauty of new life. Bright colors, flowers, fresh scents that remind us of springs past...it is not usually a time for sadness. Unfortunately this spring has been touched with sorrow and in more ways than one. The most painful being the loss of my Grandmother. Her husband died several years ago on Christmas Eve. He was old. Frail and unwell. He had been going downhill for many years and was finally hit with a stroke 4 days before he passed. It was expected but still sad. I remember seeing him lying in his bed in the rest home. He stared mostly. I don't think he ever spoke during my final visits. I remember family having to wet his mouth to keep his lips moist and to ease whatever discomfort he might have been experiencing. I don't think I saw him after he was gone until the funeral service.
With my Grandmother the experience was different. She was a smoker for a large part of her life-quitting after around 30 years while I am sure it prolonged her life it did not reverse the damage that had been done. She had suffered from COPD and had reduced lung function for several years before she got a heartbreaking diagnosis. Last year after having increased trouble breathing the doctors discovered that she had lung cancer. I was not shocked really but I still cried. I guess I had hoped that because she had made it so many years without that diagnosis that it would never come. I mean, she hadn't had a cigarette in 16 years, and yet there it was. Lung Cancer. At age 81. The doctors gave her 6 months. The family rallied around in her in some ways. Doing their best to include her in any and all activities. I hosted Thanksgiving here, knowing full well that it was most likely the last one we would have with her. Christmas didn't go as planned-people got sick and I didn't see her that day. We did get together for the 5th birthday for one of my children. She was there. I talked to her a little but not as much as I could have.
We had a birthday party for her in January. We celebrated with friends and family at our church. She looked beautiful in a velvet dress. We got family pictures. She held my youngest daughter Elizabeth Claire in her lap. The middle name was a nod to my Great Grandmother Clara at my Grandmother's request. She had hoped I would name her Clara outright and I had considered it but in the end I chose differently. She loved my kids. She didn't get to see them enough. I talked to her on the phone regularly but I know I could have called more often or talked a little longer.
There are many things I wish I had asked her. Many things I had wanted to learn from her and about her but I was always too busy. Sure, I have 5 kids but I know I could have made the time if it had been truly a priority.
She moved into my mother's house. A huge stress and inconvenience on my family. My mother works and has 5 kids at home of her own and only 4 bedrooms including her own. It was short lived however. She moved in on a Thursday I think, or maybe even the Friday that I came to visit for a brief 30 minutes. I sat with her and held her hand. We chatted. She admired Elizabeth-the only one of my kids I had brought with me that day. We looked at pictures that had been put up on Facebook. Of course this was on her phone and I Have no idea how well she could really see the little smiling faces on the screen. She looked tired, shaky and disheveled. Her hair was a little messy and she was in her nightgown even though it was almost noon. I ended up staying longer than I had planned. I was late in picking up my sister and I remember feeling guilty that I had made her wait. I had no idea that as I left it would be the last time I would see my Grandmother.
She died 3 days later.
The news came in a simple text from my 12 year old sister. It simply said "She's gone."
My heart sank. Immediately I felt for my Mother and my siblings. It wasn't until later that I started to cry. I cried with my brother who lives in California. I cried with my Mother when she finally had the time to call. I cried in my husbands arms later that night. I feel sadness because she is gone. Because I miss her. I also feel guilt. Guilt from not knowing that she lettered in Volleyball. Guilt in that I can't remember all of her siblings names. Guilt in that I never learned to sew from her or make Rosaries. So many things went unlearned because I was too busy or preoccupied. This is the woman who helped care for me as a child. While my parents worked she taught me how to read. When My mom was on call for a month during her medical school years my Brother and I spent an entire month living with her. I remember our routines, our food, the Disney movies and the sprinkler outside. Rollerblading around the block. The tire swing in the back yard. The old school VHS re-winder that we used constantly. The way she left butter out so it would be warm and spread easily on toast and bagels. The sight of her playing solitaire and doing crossword puzzles early in the morning.
I cried at her funeral mass once.
I Cried after that lowered the casket into the ground.
I have debated whether or not I made the right decision in not viewing her body before she was buried. I admit I was scared. I was scared to replace the last image i had of her. I remember her talking to me. Alive and while tired and weak-she looked okay enough to me. I didn't want to remember her eyes closed and unmoving.
Its been a couple of weeks now since she was laid to rest. Moments still come that hit me hard. Looking at pictures. Seeing things of hers.
I still haven't told my kids. They are all young. The oldest is 6 and I am scared to tell him. He might brush it off and be fine, not giving it another thought after he walks away. But he might not be fine and that scares me too.

I guess my point here is to get this all off my chest but also to encourage you to spend time with the people in your life. Even if its just a phone call. Love them. Respect them. Cherish them. Ask the elderly in your life about their own pasts. Learn from them because one day they will be gone. I have a long list of things I had wanted to learn about or from my Grandmother and now I can't. Don't be left with a list like that. You can catch up on episodes of Game of Thrones any time, but you might not get another chance to ask your parents or Grandparents what their lives were like.